I haven't wrtten a post in a while, I cant sleep tonight so nows a good a time as any. Last Tuesday Bradley and I went to out first support group. Everyone shared their stories of how they lost their children. There were absolutely no words to describe how painful and sad it was to hear from everyone. When it got to our turn, Bradley spoke. Hes better about talking in front of people then I am. Looking around the room while he spoke about our Noah he could just see everyone heart break. See everyone there had lost adult children and while losing a child at any age is unimaginable, they all got to watch their children grow up, go to school, fall in love have their hearts broken, and on and on. Noah didn't get to have all that. My son was cheated out of everything. When we left, and I'm embarrassed to say this but, I was jealous almost envous of these people. They had years, we had 13 short months. How horrible is it to be jealous of others who have lost a child too? A few days have gone by since then and I am just so broken hearted for these people but they have all survived and its given us hope. We will be returning for the next meeting. ♡NB♡
There is just so much my mind tonight so I apologize for rambling. I quit my job this week, I just couldnt go back there. Its where I was when my son lost his life . I hated being so far away from home, and it wasnt something I enjoyed. It was just a job. The same day I set out to find another one. Walked into a salon and was hired on the spot. I started today, it felt great to be back doing what I love, but then and this is where it gets complicated, I felt this incredible feeling of sadness and guilt. How can I have a great day when my son has run out of days? He'll never go to work at a job that he loves or find a career that he's passionate about so how can I enjoy mine?
Brad goes back to work tomorrow. I dont know that he is ready. He puts on this demeanour that everythings okay. I dont know if is trying to convince me or himself. Maybe a little of both. He's having a hard time sleeping and its starting to take its toll on him. It silly but every time I look at him I just keep thinking about Sally Fields in Steele Mongolia "I thought men were suppose to be made of steele or something." Please don't get me wrong. Bradley is my rock and without him I wouldnt be able to pick myself up out of bed. I love him more today then the day we married.
I just want to end with this. If you get nothing else out of our blog or fb page, excet that you hold our children a little tighter, then thats okay with us. I love you Baby bear♡ fly high babe ♡
