I haven't wrtten a post in a while, I cant sleep tonight so nows a good a time as any. Last Tuesday Bradley and I went to out first support group. Everyone shared their stories of how they lost their children. There were absolutely no words to describe how painful and sad it was to hear from everyone. When it got to our turn, Bradley spoke. Hes better about talking in front of people then I am. Looking around the room while he spoke about our Noah he could just see everyone heart break. See everyone there had lost adult children and while losing a child at any age is unimaginable, they all got to watch their children grow up, go to school, fall in love have their hearts broken, and on and on. Noah didn't get to have all that. My son was cheated out of everything. When we left, and I'm embarrassed to say this but, I was jealous almost envous of these people. They had years, we had 13 short months. How horrible is it to be jealous of others who have lost a child too? A few days have gone by since then and I am just so broken hearted for these people but they have all survived and its given us hope. We will be returning for the next meeting. ♡NB♡
There is just so much my mind tonight so I apologize for rambling. I quit my job this week, I just couldnt go back there. Its where I was when my son lost his life . I hated being so far away from home, and it wasnt something I enjoyed. It was just a job. The same day I set out to find another one. Walked into a salon and was hired on the spot. I started today, it felt great to be back doing what I love, but then and this is where it gets complicated, I felt this incredible feeling of sadness and guilt. How can I have a great day when my son has run out of days? He'll never go to work at a job that he loves or find a career that he's passionate about so how can I enjoy mine?
Brad goes back to work tomorrow. I dont know that he is ready. He puts on this demeanour that everythings okay. I dont know if is trying to convince me or himself. Maybe a little of both. He's having a hard time sleeping and its starting to take its toll on him. It silly but every time I look at him I just keep thinking about Sally Fields in Steele Mongolia "I thought men were suppose to be made of steele or something." Please don't get me wrong. Bradley is my rock and without him I wouldnt be able to pick myself up out of bed. I love him more today then the day we married.
I just want to end with this. If you get nothing else out of our blog or fb page, excet that you hold our children a little tighter, then thats okay with us. I love you Baby bear♡ fly high babe ♡
Such an honest, beautiful post. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You don't deserve it. My heart breaks for you. =( But I'm thankful for you just the same. Glad I stumbled on your page because you are helping me to focus on what really matters. You see, I understand a little of what you feel. I'm SO HAPPY you quit a job that made you unhappy. I feel constantly guilt because I miss out on so much of my kids' lives because of work. I'm a single mom and I work at a demanding job that leaves me mentally depleted of energy. At the end of the day I'm sometimes so exhausted I just want to go to bed. I need to find something else. Although I need to have an income to raise 3 kids alone, I still need to find time for what's important. This job is just a job. It won't hug me or kiss me at the end of the day. It won't care if it hurts my feelings. It's demanding and impersonal...and the big paycheck can't make up for the precious time I miss with my kids. There has to be another way. I'm rambling too - but want you to know I appreciate you sharing. Keep returning to the group. Feeling jealous of other parents and the time they had with their children is natural. Anyone in your shoes would feel the same. You deserve to feel every emotion you feel - anger, jealousy, sadness...even the moments of contentment you have felt at your new job. That new job - getting hired on the spot - that was a gift from Noah Bear. I bet you will find small blessings throughout the day there and that will be your sign that he is watching over you. He must be so proud of you, and because I bet he loved seeing you smile so much, he will be sure to find ways to bless you - even though he is not by your side. May God bless you and give you peace and constant assurance that your Bear is smiling down on you from heaven. My words feel so inadequate - but the compassion I feel for you and your family at this very difficult time is sincere.
ReplyDeleteStill thinking of you and praying for you...
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